This is for the new mom and her friends who have been anxiously awaiting the big day, let’s cover some bases real quick!
When it comes to motherhood, no matter how much you prepare, read, and practice nothing can prepare you for the real thing. It’s new, it’s exciting, it’s fun, and frankly it’s exhausting. Everyone has advice and tips, but when it came down to it, I needed space. I was so thankful for all the help and support, but with my first born I needed space to learn, to breathe and take it all in, and to fail.
We respect other people’s boundaries daily, but the lines seem to blur when someone is a new mom and it’s hard because every mom is different. While advice and help are done out of concern and an eagerness to help, respecting a new Mom’s boundaries can be an act of love. Here are some tips to respecting a new mom in ways she doesn’t even realize yet:
- When you visit in the hospital, leave the room while Mom is nursing. While some may be ok with you staying, breastfeeding is new for both Mom and Baby. Latching is sometimes difficult, positioning is still trial and error, and those lovely hospital gowns tend to slip. Give the new Mom space to bond and feed baby without worrying about covering up. This goes for privacy in general, even though I just delivered a baby, I still like to potty in private.
- Don’t tell her what to do and give advice gently. Simply phrase things less abrasively. She is trying her best, and hearing that she isn’t doing it right doesn’t help. I like to phrase things like this, “This is what worked for me, but every child is different, what has been working so far for you?” End it on a positive question. Give her room to brag and if she wants more advice she will ask. While you may not be criticizing we all know those postpartum hormones tend to be sensitive and things can seem more harsh than they are intended.
- Compliment her. Not a mindless compliment; a true compliment; about her child and her parenting. Every child excels at a different pace. New moms love to hear their child is ahead or right on schedule. Compliment more than the physical. “Wow he/she is really strong and has great head control” “How great, he/she seems to really be rolling over early”. Don’t lie, just find something positive and make a statement. All moms need reassured from time to time. Even the most veteran moms among us become insecure, see how to end that here.
- Give her space. The day has finally come to take baby home! Let the new parents enjoy that day. They have prepared for months, cleaning, and decorating the perfect room. Let them get settled and experience being home with their first child. It was such a happy day when my house became a home! I loved sitting on the couch with my husband holding our new little girl showing her everything and honestly just oooing and awing in the comfort of our home.
- If a new baby starts crying, give them back. This isn’t because you aren’t good with kids, but new moms want to be the comforting care for their little one. Crying can make anyone apprehensive so don’t stress a new mom out by trying to show her the latest thing that is trending and is supposed to calm any kid. Give her the baby and ask if you can get her anything. This will differ from mom to mom, for example Alida had a very colicy baby, one who wanted to be rocked constantly, and she had a few close friends who were a lifesaver holding (and calming down) her little one for her occasionally so she could get a break from pacing the house! She just liked to be asked first, “Do you want me to keep rocking her or would you like her back?”
Bonus Tip: I know we talked about giving her space that first day {or few days depending on the mom} but the exact opposite is true the coming weeks! Sometimes mothering can get lonely especially after the first initial kick of visitors and the excitement dies down the loneliness can really creep in fast, so check in on her and maybe stop in just so she has someone to chat with and help her day go by.
Being a new parent is an amazing experience, but is also stressful. Some even deal with the post partum blues, colic, or tongue tie making coming home even more difficult. Be there and be willing to listen, and compliment what a wonderful Mom someone is, because after all parenting isn’t a competition. It takes a village to raise a child.
Every mom is so different so we would love to know: What things do you wish people did for you after you had your first child? Share them below or join us on our Facebook community and let us know!
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I would add that visitors should not expect to hold a newborn baby for long periods of time (or at all,for that matter). Mom and baby need each other, and having your baby ‘taken’ for extended periods of time I s pretty traumatic when dealing with those hormones! Ask first and be ok with the response you get. Building trust will get you more access to baby cuddles in the long run!
When our daughter was born, we had to be transferred to the local Children’s Hospital and stay in the NICU for 17 days. That was really hard for us with traveling back and forth. The best thing anyone did for us was to offer to come to the hospital so I could take a break and get a shower. We have people wanting to bring us meals but we weren’t home to eat them. However I did have a lot of friends ask if they could help with anything at home. We had just moved and nothing was unpacked at our new place. I had friends who went and unpacked our kitchen for us, Set up the crib. It was great!
Thanks for sharing! So true about specific needs for each situation!
I think the biggest thing that bugged me was people not doing what they said they were willing to do! If you can’t or don’t want to do something then don’t offer exspecially to a brand new mom who is already stressed out beyond measure.
Great point!
Not having a baby myself, when my best friend had hers I was a little at a loss as to how I could help. I felt badly that I was coming from out of town (and would normally stay at her house when visiting), so I offered to do all the daily cleaning and did some cooking. She felt bad (I didn’t), but appreciated having clean laundry and vacuumed and mopped floors. After a rough delivery, no momma wants to vacuum and he husband was already back to work! I wish I had thought to bring food I already made. Then I could have avoided digging in their kitchen to find things.
How sweet of you! It’s hard for moms to take it easy after birth, especially if a dirty house is staring at them all day. You sound like a new mom’s postpartum dream!