There are many of us who don’t have one of “those moms,” the moms we can call in the middle of the night when our kid has a fever and we don’t know what to do. The mom we can text whenever we have a random cooking question or just having a bad day.
I’ll be the first to say, I wish I had a mom to call like this but I don’t. Google become my friend, especially in the middle of the night when I didn’t have anywhere else to turn for my questions and worries, especially when my daughter was only a few days old. It’s amazing how many little things you worry about those first few weeks, especially with your very first child.
Not having a mom is hard.
Becoming a mom and not having a mom is really hard.
If you don’t have a mom because of loss, or because she didn’t show up to parenthood like she should have, I hope we can be there for each other and encourage one another any chance that we get.
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It’s nice to know I’m not alone, you said exactly how I feel everyday. Not many understand at all how much a mother can really hurt you. How someone can be so cruel, the one person you really thought loved you unconditionally, really was just out to screw you over and make everyone in your family believe that you were the crazy one.
This did strike a cord for me. My mother lives 4000km away from me and I only get to see her once or twice a year. I was blessed that she was able to take 6 weeks off work to visit before and after the birth of my first child. It was wonderful to have that bonding time with her.
I am the first in my group of friends to have a child, and while they are excited, they just don’t have a clue. (invite us over for dinner and serve at 8pm with a toddler? we pack our own meals thanks!)
I had formed a great mothers group but going back to work full time meant that most of those relationships have fizzled, because we all just want to spend weekends with our families.
But it is hard. I know my daughter gets a lot of socialising at daycare, but I don’t see that. And I really wish I could.
I shy away from internet groups and forums because I find a lot of women to be excessively aggressive about their point of view. They may only be a few but they ruin the good of the groups for me, because they just can’t let things go.
I am confident in my parenting now. I see the way my daughter responds and engages with me. She is independent, but I am her favourite person right now, and I am reveling in the time that I am that person to her, because I know it will change!
The one piece of advice I give to any new parent is to do whatever feels right. If you are worried about their health, go to see a doctor, or hospital. Staff understand new parent anxiety and I have only ever found them to be supportive and reassuring. If co-sleeping works for you, do it, but do it safely. If you can not handle having to rock your child to sleep every night and want them to self settle, do it. Do it in a way that still provide comfort and safety to the baby. They don’t remember, it is only one part of parenting and you make up for the tears with every kiss and cuddle you give during waking hours.
Some days I feel alone, I wish I had a closer group of friends with children, but the reality is as it is and I am trying to make the best of it I can.
“The one piece of advice I give to any new parent is to do whatever feels right. If you are worried about their health, go to see a doctor, or hospital. Staff understand new parent anxiety and I have only ever found them to be supportive and reassuring. If co-sleeping works for you, do it, but do it safely. If you can not handle having to rock your child to sleep every night and want them to self settle, do it. Do it in a way that still provide comfort and safety to the baby. They don’t remember, it is only one part of parenting and you make up for the tears with every kiss and cuddle you give during waking hours.
Some days I feel alone, I wish I had a closer group of friends with children, but the reality is as it is and I am trying to make the best of it I can.”
This was a wonderfully affirming comment to me. Especially online but also in real life, I find a lot of moms to be judgmental, and even have to stop myself from judging someone who is parenting differently than me sometimes. It is hard without a close group of friends who share similar values and lifestyles. I feel alone too some days. Just wanted to let you know your sentiment spoke to me. Maybe we aren’t so alone 🙂
I have never had the Mom to call in the middle of the night until God gave me a “Mom and Dad” who adopted our family into theirs. I was well into my late twenties and early thirties so I spent many years with out that but God has healed much of that hurt with those friendships. I really struggled with trusting in those relationships but God helped mt struggle through that hurt. I will pray that God brings you healing and someone to help fill that role for you.
This post couldn’t have come at a more needed time in my life. Not because I was unaware that id need to fill that missing mother hole with female friends, but because I needed to know im not the only one out there with a living mother that just cant or won’t fill that need. It pains me to a degree to see im not alone though. Realizing other women may experience what I do. But still. We can lift each other up. And sometimes friends become our true family that surpasses blood relation. Thank you for sharing 🙂
That would be so rough! I don’t have kids yet, but when I do, I’m glad I could ask my mum for help. She used to be a Le Leche League coach as well so I know when it comes to breastfeeding, I’m covered.
HOWEVER, we live 4000 km from my parents! So unless we move before we end up having a kidlet, I’ll be in a tough situation, but I’m glad I’d be able to call 🙂
Thank you for this post. Absolute perfect timing. Friends are wonderful. Praying helps too. 🙂
It’s very hard not having my mom to talk to anymore. I lost my mom a little over a year ago to cancer. I went to her for everything. She was my best friend. I feel so lost without her. There definitely is no replacing a mother
Kasie, Your post could have been written by me. I lost my mom a year ago in December to cancer, 3 days before my daughter’s first birthday. She was my best friend and I miss her dearly EVERY DAY.
My mum died when I was 7, and although my dad remarried when I was 11, I only really grieved when I had my first child four years ago. I found it tough knowing I would never have what I saw my friends have – a living mother who knew what I was like as a baby, or who I could call about anything, or to ask what she would do in a situation.
But the other side of my loss is something I hadn’t anticipated, and may seem strange to other people – freedom. Many of my friends with children say that although it’s lovely having a mum with you and your children, there can be unspoken pressure from or hints or conflict with their mother to parent (or not) in such-and-such a way, and I haven’t got that. My husband and I have been able to decide within our own family unit how we will parent our children, and on reflection, I’m not sure that would have been possible had my mother still been alive. My dad says that I do things in much the same way as she did, though, which is reassuring!
Of course there are days when all I want is to know what it’s like to have my mum with me, but I think I would have found an alive, but absent, mother more hurtful, as it’s a choice made, and not simply a sad circumstance.
I pray that all those mums without mums will find peace with their situation and a good friend or two!
Oh, my heart just goes out to young women who increasingly seem to have fewer and fewer family resources to reach out to. As my own sons reach adulthood, I am thinking about future daughters-in-law and wondering how to connect with young women like yourself who do not have the rich heritage of a mom with sisters who served as my beacon. Motherhood is bone-crunchingly complicated. Your post was as much an encouragement to me re how to re-define my post mothering years to mentor young mothers as I know it will be to the young mothers who find their way to your website. <3
Please do! I’m sure you have so much to enrich other women’s lives with, and I’m already wishing I knew you and lived in the same country!
I know I’m not alone in this….but until you talk about it or read about it, you think you’re the only one with a severed mother/daughter relationship. I’m lucky to be able to lean on others in my groups of friends and family, but I’m envious of other mothers and daughters. It’s tough 🙁
I am from the UK and am living in SA, my Mum died when I was 11 and my husbands Mum died in 2010 we had our daughter in 2013 and it was so hard to not have any real female support, I have sisters in the UK but nobody here in SA. My daughter is the happiest most amazing little girl but I could really have used a mother or mother in law for help becoming a mum was one of the hardest but most rewarding things I have ever had to do, I was totally clueless thank goodness for Google!!
Yes, I can totally relate. Friends, grandparents, and women who have qualities that I admire in a mother have been so valuable over the years. Thank you for this!
I can totally relate. Both my parents were deceased when my daughter was born, and my mother-in-law lives thousands of mile away, and the nearest aunt is 5 hours away. I envy my friends who have a mom close by – especially when we need some time off, or like you suggested, when there’s some sort of medical thing happening in the middle of the night. And I’m a therapist with years of behavioral and child development experience – but we all want mom advice (even if we say we don’t). I treasure the friendships and acquaintances I’ve made on FB and blogs – I can find support in many places.
This totally resonates with me,as I lost my mother at 8 years and reared my three children ,with no help from anyone.
I have a daughter,who has two children and I have always been thee for her,especially now,that her marriage is very much over,after seven years.
The immense pleasure I get supporting her and having a close relationship with her means the world to me
Time and connecting with family and community assists.
Thank you for sharing
Vivian M cDermott.
Brisbajne
What a blessing you have been to your daughter. How cool to give something that you never even got yourself, true love!
This is a great and much needed post. I can’t imagine not being able to call on my mom when in need of advice. My mom did it all on her own with no one to call, I’m thankful that shes always been there for me.
This blog really hit home. My mother has never chosen to be there for me or my sister our whole lives. I guess motherhood was just to much for her. We can go years without speaking and she’s never met any of her grandchildren. It’s hard some days but the thing that gets me through the day is knowing that my girls will never have to know that feeling. I love knowing that I can read this and feel not so alone. Thank you
I completely understand the feeling of being alone. I lost my mother 3 weeks before I gave birth to me 2nd child almost 3 years ago. We spoke almost everyday about everything and anything, I could call her at anytime of the day or night and she was there. Luckily my girlfriends and family rallied around me and supported me during that time. They are still there and oh so important to me. Thank God for them! I still miss her everyday and in my heart still speak to her, but I know that when she left, she had had enough time to teach me everything she could and that was essential to be a loving, supportive parent, friend and wife. I’m thankful that she got to spend so much time with my 1st child and that her spark is in my baby’s eyes.
I sit here today with my Dad dying in Hospital and my Mother is blocking my visit.
She has not been a mother on any level to me for over 20 years, I birthed and am raising both my babies without a mothers love or guidance and it leaves a massive void.
Before she stopped mothering at all it was abusive.
In the end I had to close the door and get on with my life for she was stealing it from me as she had my childhood.
Sending you a hug! Dismissing people like that from our lives is so beneficial but it’s still incredible hard. Stay strong and keep your head up, you are breaking a cycle and that’s huge.
Thank you.. My Dad died but they didn’t tell me for days and when they did it was a phone message along with the funeral details.
I didn’t go.. instead my wonderful husband and I spent the day by the sea saying our goodbyes in peace and love.
Breaking the 3 plus generation cycle is my life work and I am winning. I will love and cherish my kids and grandkids for as long as I live 🙂
Thank you for this supportive site.
My mum passed away 39 days before my 21st birthday, my son was only 18 months olds. I have always felt that there is a piece missing in my life. Now that I’m a mum to 5 boys I make sure they know everyday how much I love them and that I would do anything for them.
Not having your mum is the hardest thing in the world, but being a mum is the best thing in the world and without my boys I don’t think I would be here today
It’s now been 12 years since my mum passed away , I still can’t believe she’s gone, but I know she would be proud of the mum I have become.
Sending hugs! I love your line “Not having your mum is the hardest thing in the world, but being a mum is the best thing in the world” — so very true!
Bless you, girl. This type of thing is hard because… well… HARD. But also because people outside the abuse circle don’t get it. They often see abusers as super successful “have it all together” people and the victims get painted with a bad brush making the whole thing much much worse. I’m glad you were able to find some peace and separation to allow your little family to thrive and grow. I know God will bless your godly and healthy boundaries, even if your family refuses.
Rachel, I love you! Your encouragement means the world to me! There is so much truth in what you said. Made my night. <3
I am so glad I saw this. Although my mother isn’t the one we are trying to shut out (it’s my mother in law for her lack of respect of boundaries as well as verbal abuse towards me), it’s a difficult concept. I’m not super close with my mom, but I know she loves me and would do anything for me or my kids. I know my mil loves my kids in some way, but visiting her (she’s 4 hours away) has taken a toll on my family. My husband has had enough. I am having a hard time closing the door on family, especially his mom, but knowing I’m not alone truly helps.
This is such an important article & I just want to thank you for having the courage – to make the decision you did & then to share it…..in a world where so few people can ever understand the decision some of us have to make, where we *choose* life without our mothers. I feel stronger for having read your story & know in my heart the decision – mine, like yours – will protect my beautiful kids from the damaging & heartbreaking cycle continuing.