It’s been 7 years since I moved out. My mom sat there on the couch as I loaded up my car box by box.
She started crying as I passed her yet another time. I don’t know what her intent was but I felt like she was trying to guilt me, somehow thinking that her tears would convince me to turn back.
I wouldn’t.
A strong will, something I was born with, is not always a bad thing. I would use it’s power now to keep guiding me in the direction I knew was right, as hard as it was.
I asked her to go upstairs, so she didn’t have to see me load everything up.
She didn’t.
Box by box I kept loading, part of me thought about leaving the rest so I didn’t have to make each pass by my mother. But somewhere within me I found the strength to move the remainder of the boxes from a place of manipulation, abuse and spiritual oppression towards a place of freedom.
As I grabbed my last box, I turned to my mom and told her that was it. She stood up and handed me a letter and said something along the lines of “He wanted me to give you this. He didn’t think you would actually leave.”
Rewind a few weeks.
I handed my parents a letter. Which sounds so strange now but that was how my parents communicated important things to me, through letters. So to me it felt normal to communicate back in the same way.
My letter to them explained my intent of moving out and stated the date it would happen. My hope was in the time between we could have find a peace between us.
I also tried to tell them, in the best way that I could, the reasons I was leaving. I knew they wouldn’t absorb them, they were still living inside a lie, a lie they had convinced themselves of a long time ago. And even I, at the time, didn’t fully understand the manipulation, emotional abuse and spiritual oppressions I was living in, I just knew I needed to leave.
The one thing I wanted them to hear before I left, even if they didn’t comprehend it, was I was forgiving them.
Or at least I was trying to. I didn’t know how to but I knew I wanted and needed to.
I still felt a lot of pain, hurt and anger but somehow I would one day find a way to make that statement of forgiveness fully true.
My story going forward would be about me, not them. The forgiveness was to them but it was for me.
As walked out of the house that day, I took the letter from my mom and drove off.
Later I would read it and find it to be one of the most spiritually manipulating letters I would ever read. It would make me angry. It created a blur in my life. It made me question everything that I was doing.
But within me I still had a peace. I knew what I was doing was right. It wasn’t black and white, all the small details surrounding abuse and dysfunctionalism rarely are, but it was the best move I could make and I felt a deep spiritual peace within me.
I knew I had a journey ahead of me, healing, forgiving, breaking generational sins, and finding complete peace.
Forgivness was a word, a message, a feeling that appeared in my life time and time again after that.
I was searching for it but at the same time forcing it away.
I knew I wanted full forgiveness but I was scared of the pain I would have to feel to get there.
And when I was finally ready I didn’t know how to get there.
But looking back, I was going through the steps of forgiveness little by little, layer by layer.
It’s a journey more than a destination.
In the midst of it all, as blurry as it felt, my heart wanted healing, I would always search for healing and forgiveness. There were times it got messy and I would slip up but each time, somehow, I would return to the desire of full forgiveness.
I wouldn’t realize it till later, but it was my desire that led me.
Layer by layer God put the tools and people in my life just as I needed them.
Brick by brick, I would tear down that brick wall.
One day I watched a video and I learned my parents minds are sick. And with that knowledge, I stared to feel my hatred turn slowly to sadness.
I also learned to love my childhood self again. Previously, when I had blocked out all the painful memories I had blocked out more than just the pain.
A full circle of healing would come a few months later when my life would lead me back to my itty-bitty home town. The visit was to see others but I still had mixed feelings about being that close to my parents, who I had not seen and barely spoken to in years.
I knew that day I needed to do a meditation to find full peace in God. Meditation was still fairly new to me at this point. Within that particular mediation I was given another piece of my forgiveness and my healing.
I had a vision of running into my dad, taking a deep breath I said to him,
I am forgiving you. But because of your past choices and the fact that you haven’t changed—even if you think you have—I can not allow you into my life.
And then my mind had me walk away from him. I felt sadness for him, that he chose to miss what life wanted to give him.
And I felt incredible peace for myself.
You may have noticed, the statement has a present tense verb.
Forgiving.
I don’t know for how long it will be present tense, or if it will ever move to past tense.
I still have emotions that come up, memories, and pain. As they come I allow myself to fully feel the pain and then release it out with an intentional and very full breath. I feel it leave every cell in my body.
I remind myself that I have chosen to forgive and make a conscious choice to return to peace and love.
If you are at a tipping point in your life, looking for the next step in your journey of healing and forgiveness, just ask.
Ask God for forgiveness.
Change your state of mind and the how will follow.
And be on the lookout for God to show you the next step.
As you find more and more forgiveness, you’ll start enjoying your own life even more.
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Alida, Alida. Yet another powerful message and reminder of the adoration I have for you. Brave, Strong and Inspirational are all the words I use to describe the person you are. Someone I only know virtually, but someone I will always admire. Your family is lucky to have you and there’s no doubt, God was intentional with every action step of His plan with your life. You wouldn’t be who you are today otherwise. Hugs, my friend!
Shannon! This was the sweetest comment to find this morning. Thank you! So glad to have you an essential part of our tribe!
Shannon, you are so sweet! Thank you so much. That means more than you’ll ever know. I am so thankful to have you as apart of our tribe!! <3
Alida,I was very anxious to read your article on forgiveness. I am the mom in a story that seems to have occurred a bit like yours. My daughter moved out of our house 2 years ago now with about 2 weeks notice. She gave no explanation for for why she had made the decision to leave and I felt that she was abandoning me and was devastated! She was not particularly young, but still in university and it made no sense to me why she was leaving and since she wouldn’t give an explanation, I found it very difficult to accept. This started a 2-year roller coaster of extreme depression and difficulty coping with life. I wanted to leave my marriage, and felt so isolated. I cried for weeks after she left and my husband didn’t understand and got angry with my moods. My daughter did come home for family events, but when she left each time, I was again abandoned and it set off another round of crying and despair. She finally told me she felt she had to move out because of the tension in the house between my husband and I and she just st couldn’t be the buffer anymore! I was still upset because she had left me with no buffer and I felt so hurt that she did that.
I have had a few different counselling resources offered to me and what they all (secular and church-based) have told me is that I have to forgive her, even though she hasn’t apologized or I will never be free. I am trying to do just that, even though it is extremely difficult and I am hoping to be able to enjoy my life again soon. Thanks for sharing your story!
Thank you so much for your article. I needed that message tonight
Thank you for the wonderful post. I subscribed to your newsletter to get the free family organizer and basics of blogging series, and am now saving up for your successful startup course. I have been thinking of starting a blog for over a year and have been paralyzed by fear of the unknown. Having a hand to hold is giving me the push I need to just get started! I love your videos and encouraging messages.
This post reminds me of my struggle to forgive my own parents, especially my mother. Forgiving in the present tense is the perfect way to describe the process…it helps to recognize the effort and discipline we put towards forgiving others instead of feeling guilty for still having negative feelings. Thanks for being courageous enough to share your personal experience- it is nice to know we are not alone!
Thank you Trisha! Your words mean so much. I am so thankful to have you as apart of our tribe! <3
I needed this message Alida! Thank you! Thank you for baring you soul to us and for sharing such an intimate experience. Forgiveness is an ongoing necessity, in every life. This story shows the ongoing journey of forgiveness. I am far too imperfect to be able to say that I have forgiven completely, but I can say I am forgiving, constantly, if not for one thing then for another. Life is too beautiful not to forgive! It becomes ugly as we try to hold on to hard, dark, and painful experiences. Thank you for the reminder that we forgive others but it is really freeing ourselves when we do. I admire your courage in the face of the unknown! It gives me strength to think I can continue to heal as I forgive as well. Best of luck in times to come! I send my appreciation and prayers for a successful journey in forgiveness!
I relate to this deeply. I am WORKING to forgive my parents, for myself, to allow the pain to move through me and pass. It’s difficult and exhausting but it is worth it. I didn’t deserve what happened to me and I do deserve to be happy.
It is all a journey. Please know that I am on this journey with you and please reach out whenever! I would love to chat with you. Hugs <3 <3
Thank you, that is such a kind offer and I feel that you mean it. I really appreciate it. Hugs <3 <3
Awesome! The struggle is real! Thank you for Sharing. Some people don’t understand the life others lead and try to fix relationships. But they don’t know how it is. Thank you for your honesty and a mirror image. What a great voice you have. God Bless!
Good morning Alida, I have a friend who is struggling with this very thing – forgiveness and healing. After church last night I was chatting to her and speaking to her about forgiving and that it would set her free. However the word I was searching for was ‘FREEDOM’ and she so deserves this. She is a recent widow and is still in the depths of her grief. Her husband was gravely ill for a number of years. Since his passing his family have turned on her and her own brother has and his family too. The latter being because she left the Roman Catholic Church to join the Anglican church where she has had more love and support during this dark period in her life.
I really am going to share your words with her. Thank you. Janice (I am a widow of seven years and it was only last year that I realised I had at last found myself. My friend will too! )
I am so glad that this post was able to help you and your friend. That makes my heart so happy and is the reason that I blog.
Thank you for sharing Alida, I’m so sorry you had such a difficult childhood, but your message proves what a strong and amazing woman you are. I’m so glad you found a man who is your friend as well as husband and that you have two beautiful children who you get to do things right with. I’m so happy you’ve built a great business and get to be with your family lots. You deserve lots of love and happiness xxx
Thank you so much. Your words mean so very much to me. <3 <3
HI! Is your family organizer still available? I’ve tried to get them a few times, but for some reason it’s not emailing me anything. I wanted to see if it was still available to download.
Thanks!
Tiffani A.
Yes it is! I will email it to you!
Thank you for sharing your story, dear one! I keep thinking of that verse-“the truth will set you free.” You are living that out in your life.
Keep speaking light into dark places.
Thank you so, so much Rachel. That means so much. Yes, I adore that verse and feel that it is very applicable for my life. You are so special to me. <3